There are many aspects of Vietnamese culture that I really
enjoy and have accepted whole heatedly – like showing respect by referring to
people based on their age relative to you, or slurping you soup and noodles!
But there is one part of Vietnamese culture that I still find strange and
cannot accept, which is the pressure on girls to get married young. Whenever I
meet a new Vietnamese person, the conversation almost always starts by them
asking my age, where I am from, what my salary is, if I am married, and how old
I will be when I do get married. I by no means am saying every Vietnamese asks
these questions, but I have to say I have had this experienced almost more
times than I can count. To a Westerner, these questions can come off as very
personal and unusual to ask someone you have just met. I know now that these
questions are just a way that Vietnamese get to know me and I answer them
honestly every time, but the “when will you be married?” question still doesn’t
sit well with me. Not only does the question assume that everyone wants to get
married in the first place, but it also puts so pressure on young Vietnamese
girls to find a husband, which can take away from their carriers or other
aspirations. Many of my single friends here in Hanoi who are around my age have
told me about how their parents keep asking when they will bring a man home. If
you’re not married by 30-years old in Vietnam, you’re considered undesirable
and too old to find someone anymore. Parents get worried, and think marriage is
a kind of security net for their children.
For me, marriage is something that should happen because you are ready
for it and have met the right person, not something you should force to happen
by a certain age. I’m not saying that young marriage is always bad and unhappy,
but I think you need your youth to figure out who YOU are before you can commit
to another person for the rest of your life. This may be a somewhat Western
view, but it’s one that I will always advocate for because I believe marriage
is too big of a decision to force on a person.
However, from what I have observed, the pressure to get
married young is a generational thing which is changing. Although my single
Vietnamese friends say they feel their parents want them to get married soon,
they want to wait until they find the right person to marry. I think the “get
married young” view is becoming old-fashioned amoug today’s youth. However
that doesn’t mean that girls don’t feel the pressure still. They see their
friends marrying, and ask themselves when their wedding will be. I think this
shows there is a slow but definitive change in this aspect of Vietnamese
culture. I have no idea how far this change will go or if it will happen for the better, but I hope it happens in a sustainable way that will give
Vietnamese girls more freedom.
So, to my fellow INDEVOURS and to my Vietnamese readers, do
you observe a similar situation? And what do you think about this topic? Please
note again that this just my observations about Vietnamese culture… I don’t
claim that it is 100% accurate and I mean no offense.
Marriage to ensure social standing was the standard in the west as late as the 1980's. When women began to leave the house and enter the workforce they gained independence and no longer required a male to provide for them. I would expect that SE Asian culture is lagging behind that social trend.
ReplyDeleteIt is for sure the same in Thailand. But in Thailand you also have a lot more of the old white man with the young thai girl, which is a whole other yucky story, but even if they are divorced, their first wishes or greetings to each other are on if they look fat or slim that day, then wishing them luck to be remarried. The social pleasantries and things they talk about on a regular basis are just strange to me as well.
ReplyDelete- Natasha